Love is a practice, not a feeling

Series opener. Both on camera. Erik carries the argument, Nina answers questions from her own work. Keywords in brackets are cues, not lines.

Open, Erik [yuck, feeling vs doing, eight chapters]

When I was a kid and somebody said the word love, I said yuck. Love was embarrassing. You could do something embarrassing just by feeling it.

I still think that's true. And I've written a whole book about it anyway, so let me explain what changed.

Here's the idea the whole book rests on. Love is what I feel. Caring is what I do about it. The feeling comes and goes and I can't schedule it. The caring is available every morning. And when I look back at my life, the feeling followed the doing far more often than the doing followed the feeling.

So this is the first of nine videos. Today the idea. Then one video for each of the eight practices in the book. Nina's here, because she works with exactly this every day, in the body, and because half of what's in the book I learned from arguing with her.

Nina, first question [what happens when people wait for the feeling]

Erik asks: You work with people who want to feel more. More open, more connected, more alive. What do you see happen to people who wait to feel it before they do anything?

[Nina answers from her coaching. Follow-up if needed: Can you give one example of a client who started doing the thing before feeling it, and what changed?]

Erik, the cynicism part [classmate, hurt once, unfinished]

Let me say why this matters to me. A classmate once asked me: why do you care so much, Erik? He said it would never make a difference, so why bother. He was trying to protect me. But he was the one with the slumped shoulders. He was already living the life he was warning me about.

That's cynicism to me. Not a personality. Not intelligence. Love that got hurt once and wasn't tried again. I know because I've been there. I burned out at twenty, failed every class, lost an election, and spent months on video games telling myself nothing was worth caring about.

The way back wasn't a feeling. Nothing arrived. The way back was choosing specific things to care for, and caring for them on days when I felt nothing.

Nina, second question [cynicism in the body, heart de-armoring]

Erik asks: You describe part of your work as heart de-armoring. When somebody has stopped caring, when they're cynical, what does that look like in the body before they've said a word?

[Nina answers. Follow-up: Is that something a person can think their way out of, or does the body have to come along?]

Erik, the three questions [Practice, Purpose, Method, Nina's framing]

Every chapter in the book asks the same three questions about one thing I love. Nina gave me this framing, so I'll say it and she can correct me.

The practice. Do I actually give this my time and attention, or does it get what's left over?

The purpose. Do I know why I love it, and can I say it out loud? Do I love it for its own sake, or for what it gets me?

The method. When it gets hard, uncomfortable, boring, do I keep going, or do I stop?

Nina, did I get that right? What do people most often skip?

[Nina answers. My guess is the method, but let her say it.]

Erik, the eight [name them, one line each, no stories]

The eight practices. I'll give you one line each, and each one gets its own video.

Love for life. I go outside before I reach for my phone. Love for others. I listen with the phone put away and I say what's actually going on with me. Love for yourself. I speak to myself the way I'd speak to a friend. Love for your ideas. I write the idea down the day it arrives and I finish it at today's level. Love for your future. I go after what I want while I'm still afraid of it. Love for the truth. I say I don't know when I don't know. Love for those who struggle. I listen to what someone is struggling with before I try to fix it. Love for your work. I do the job my own way when I can, and I finish what I said I'd finish.

Both, one each [your hardest one]

Erik asks Nina: Of those eight, which is the hardest for you right now? And what do you actually do about it?

[Nina answers.]

Erik answers his own: For me right now it's love for those who struggle. When you were building your business here in Sweden and it was slow, I kept giving you advice about Instagram, which I know nothing about. I did it because I felt useless. The day I stopped solving and just listened, you solved it yourself. We'll do a whole video on that one.

Close, Erik [question, test, pre-order]

So two questions to take with you. What do you love? And how do you keep caring for it when it gets tough?

Tell us your hardest one in the comments and we'll both answer. There's a free test linked below that asks what you actually do, not what type you are. And the book is on pre-order at personalitopia.com/crowdfunding until October 18. Next video: love for life, and why I gave up on the world outside for ten years.