Helping someone is not the same as solving their problem

The claim

When someone I love is struggling, my urge to fix it is mostly about my own discomfort at feeling useless. Doing the thing for them leaves them less capable. Listening leaves them more capable. Helping usually means the second.

Structure

1. Lead. The claim, then the test: after you "helped," did the person feel more able or less?
2. Two ways compassion goes wrong. Cynicism: the problem is too big, so I stop. Superiority: I care, therefore I'm better. Both avoid the person in front of me.
3. Upgrading the insult. In politics I stopped calling the other side stupid and started calling them traumatised. That was not compassion. It was another way to skip the conversation.
4. Evidence, one paragraph, with Nina's permission. When her business struggled after moving countries, I gave advice about a field I know nothing about, because I felt useless. The moment I stopped solving and listened, she became a whole person to me again and, more to the point, she solved it herself.
5. The practice. Before offering a solution, ask one question about what the person is actually feeling, and then a second one. Only offer a solution if they ask for one.
6. Journal prompt. "When you cannot fix somebody's problem, what can you offer instead?"

Notes

Nina could add a short coach's note on listening; ask her. Adapted from Chapter 10.