Fear passes in an afternoon, regret lasts ten years

The card, Erik reads it

Practice. I go after what I want while I'm still afraid of it. I have things I'm looking forward to a year from now. Purpose. I allow myself to have clear hopes for what my future could look like. Method. When something scares me, I still try if it's important to me. I don't turn a chance down and then tell myself I had a good reason.

Open, Erik [India, the Green Party excuse]

I'm seventeen. My class is going to India for three weeks. I've barely travelled and the thought frightens me to the bone. Food poisoning, poverty, being that far from home. But I'm in the Green Party. So I announce that flying is immoral, and if I care about the climate I'll stay home. I get to be a hero. Really, I'm terrified of the plane.

My classmates come back with stories. I'm jealous and angry with myself. I will always regret not going. And that regret taught me the whole chapter: fear passes in an afternoon. The decisions I let it make are still here ten years later. Worst of all, fear rarely shows up as fear. It shows up as a principle, and a principle never gets reviewed.

Nina, first question [running towards dreams like the world is on fire]

Erik asks: When we first messaged, your WhatsApp bio said: why aren't we running towards our dreams like the world is on fire? I remember thinking, good question. Where does that come from for you? Have you always been like that, or is it something you had to learn?

[Nina answers. Follow-up: When a client is turning a chance down with a very good reason, how do you tell a real reason from fear?]

Erik, the ride and the dream [roller coaster, hooded figure]

Two small things that changed how I handle fear.

At amusement parks I stare at the ride with the loops and shake my head, year after year. My friend goes alone and I watch him have the time of his life. One day I get on. And once my brain runs out of excuses, once it realises this is happening, it lets go and lets me enjoy it. Afterwards the fear is gone and the regret is replaced with pride.

The other one. Since childhood I've had a nightmare: a hooded figure in my room with a knife. I tell my friend Jodi. She asks: what would happen if you walked up to it and talked to it? A few nights later the dream comes back. I walk up, smile, say hello. It drops the knife. Running from what scares me makes it bigger. Walking toward it takes its power away.

Erik, the brave hero mask [courage as identity]

There's a trap in here. In the party I saw myself as fearless on the barricades. Courage was my identity. And because it was my identity, I avoided anything that might make me look cowardly and poured myself into things that made me look brave. The mask stopped me doing the actually brave thing. Doing safe things made me look confident. Doing new things made me feel like a scared kid. I had to let go of being a brave person to start doing brave things.

Nina, second question [our first fight, the night we broke up]

Erik asks: A few months into living together I got scared, told you it wouldn't work, and walked out. We broke up for one night. The next day I came back, and the reason I came back was that I saw how brave you were being while I was running. What was that night like for you? And what made you willing to try again with someone who'd just walked out?

[Nina answers. This is her story to tell as much as she wants. Follow-up: What do you tell couples where one person runs when it gets serious?]

Erik, parenthood [don't wait too long, the scowl, realising I had a future]

For years I made a point of not thinking about becoming a dad. If it came up, I said, let's talk about something else. When I finally sat down and listed the fears, some were silly, like dropping him. Some were real. And I noticed I scowled at silly, nerdy dads in the park and thought, him? Then I realised why. He looked like me.

On a plane to San Francisco I tell my manager I'm thinking about kids. She says: don't wait too long. People wait too long. What was I waiting for? I already had everything I needed.

The biggest thing in this chapter for me is realising I have a future at all. At thirty-four I had a lot of failed dreams and I'd quietly stopped dreaming. I told myself the universe would give me what I deserved. That was losing hope. Hope came back the day I understood I had somewhere to go, and that what I do today reaches the version of me who comes next. I want him to know what it's like to be a dad.

Erik, what this gives you [the date test]

Take the decision you're avoiding. Write down the reason you gave. Then write two dates: when the opportunity showed up, and when the reason showed up. If the reason came second, you're looking at fear. You can still say no. But now you know what you're saying no to.

Close

What's the principle you're hiding behind this week? Comments, if you dare. Next: love for the truth, and the day I said personality types weren't real. Book link below.