You cannot connect with anyone while performing a version of yourself

The card, Erik reads it

Practice. I listen to the people close to me with my phone put away. I tell them what's actually going on with me, not the version that sounds fine. Purpose. I tell the people close to me what they mean to me. Method. When there's tension with someone I care about, I reach out to talk it through. When I want to impress someone, I don't play a version of me that's easier to like.

Open, Erik [laptop, day fourteen, gladly]

First day of high school. The municipality hands every student a laptop. I've just come out of the summer where I decided to stop hiding, and I want to talk to people. Nobody looks up. Every class, every break, a screen. I feel myself going numb again.

Two weeks in I go to the counsellor and ask to switch from natural sciences to humanities. She says: that's possible, but you'll have to give back your computer. I say: gladly. My mom is disappointed I'm dropping advanced maths. For me it's the first time I chose people over the safe thing.

That year I become one of the first political bloggers in Sweden, join a party, and spend every weekend at conventions talking to anyone regardless of age. Golden retriever energy. So far so good.

Erik, the problem [popularity vs connection, the mask, YouTube numbers]

Here's what went wrong. I confused connection with popularity. One fills you up. The other leaves you hungry. My self-worth depended on how many people liked me, so I performed. I hid interests that wouldn't land. I never shared an insecurity. I waited for other people to prove it was safe while they were waiting for me. And the loneliest I ever felt was in rooms full of people, because none of them were meeting me. They were meeting the performance.

Later on YouTube I did it at scale. Viewers became numbers on a dashboard and I reshaped my personality to make the numbers go up.

Nina, first question [how she meets people, the Socratic cafe]

Erik asks: The first time we met, at the Socratic cafe in Barcelona, you sat down next to me and just started talking. You told me about breathwork and cacao and ecstatic dance, and I said "me too!" about all of it without knowing what any of it was. You didn't seem to be performing anything. Is that a practice for you, or is that just how you are?

[Nina answers. Follow-up: When you work with clients who are lonely, what's the pattern you see most? Is it that nobody's there, or that they never let anyone see them?]

Erik, the introvert point [drained by performing, the conference]

A lot of people watching call themselves introverts and find socialising exhausting. I did too. My current belief is that most of that exhaustion is the performance, not the people.

One evening I arrive late to a conference, everyone's already in groups, and I feel alone in a full room. I text a friend. He says: look around and see if someone else feels the same. Several people do. I sit down with them and ask simple questions about their lives. The pressure disappears. I stay all evening and go home with more energy than I came with. Same people, same room. The only thing I dropped was trying to be interesting.

Nina, second question [tension, the first fight, reaching out]

Erik asks: The method line says when there's tension, I reach out to talk it through. That's the one I'm worst at. When we had our first real fight, part of me wanted to leave, and you were the one who stayed and talked. What happens in you when there's tension with someone you love? Is staying easy for you, or is it a practice?

[Nina answers. Follow-up: What do you tell a couple where one person goes quiet?]

Erik, authenticity as a mask [the rebel, the barista]

One warning from the chapter. I once called myself an authentic, honest person and used it to look down on everyone else as fake. Being different became my pride. That wasn't authenticity. It was a new mask with a better label.

What helped was smaller than any of that. I started using the barista's name. Asking how the day was going. Treating the people I passed as people instead of transactions. Walking through a city changed.

Erik, what this gives you [one rule]

One rule for your next evening with people. Ask, don't present. Your only task is to find out one real thing about one person. Nothing about you has to land. See if the evening costs less.

Close

Think of the last evening that drained you. How much of it was the people, and how much was the performance? Tell us below. Next: love for yourself, and the friend who told me to stop. Book link below.