Helping someone is not the same as solving their problem

In Why I Love, the practice for loving those who struggle is about restraint: I slow down for people who are having a hard day, and I listen to what someone is struggling with before I rush in to fix it. When someone's choices are completely different from mine, I ask about their life before I judge it. And when someone's struggles become frustrating or uncomfortable, I don't pull away.

When I was five years old, I climbed onto a kitchen chair to reach my father's pack of cigarettes on the top shelf, panicked when I heard footsteps, and buried the entire pack in a flowerpot. When my mother caught me, I proudly explained that I was getting rid of them so Dad couldn't smoke anymore. I had an urge to rescue people before I could even read, but taking responsibility for other people's lives often does more harm than good.

In my early twenties, I threw myself into political campaigning day and night, fighting for refugees, peace, and the environment. Whenever I was exhausted, I forced myself to keep going by telling myself people would suffer if I stopped. Trying to take responsibility for the entire planet wasn't true compassion—it was an illusion of control that drove me straight into severe burnout and panic attacks.

There is a subtle arrogance in always wanting to be the solver. When you rush in to fix someone's problems, you often make them feel less capable, subtly communicating that they cannot manage their own life without your intervention. Rushing to problem-solve is often just a defense mechanism to relieve our own discomfort with seeing someone struggle.

The greatest gift you can offer someone having a hard time is not an unsolicited five-step solution; it is your steady, non-judgmental presence. When a friend or colleague comes to you in distress, sit beside them and listen without rushing to give advice. People are resilient, and when they feel truly heard and respected as equals, they almost always find their own way forward.

The next time someone you care about shares a painful challenge, try this one rule: keep your solutions to yourself and ask them what the experience feels like for them. Notice how much deeper the connection becomes when you treat them as an equal instead of a project. Pre-orders for Why I Love are open below; what is one situation where you had to learn to listen instead of fixing?