Helping someone is not the same as solving their problem

The card, Erik reads it

Practice. I slow down for people who are having a hard day. I listen to what someone is struggling with before I try to fix it. Purpose. I care about people who are suffering, even if I'll never meet them. Method. When someone's choices are different from mine, I ask about their life before I judge it. When someone's struggles become frustrating, I don't pull away.

Open, Erik [cigarettes in the flowerpot]

I'm five, standing on a chair, reaching for the top shelf. My dad's cigarettes. I hear the door, panic, and bury them in a flowerpot. My mom catches me. What are you doing with those? You can't smoke, it's not healthy. I know, I say. That's why I'm getting rid of them so Dad can't.

I've wanted to save people since before I could read. This video is about where that went wrong, twice, and what I do instead now.

Erik, two ways it goes wrong [cynicism, superiority, vegan at fourteen, traumatised]

The first way is cynicism. The problems are too big, nothing I do changes them, so I stop.

The second is feeling superior. At fourteen a girl in the cafeteria asks for a sandwich without animal products and tells me why. I go home and tell my mom I'm vegan. My mom cries at Christmas. A friend says: you must think I'm a bad person for eating meat. I don't. But he walks away and avoids me for months. Compassion turned into an accusation without me saying a word.

In politics I did it on purpose. I talked to my side like friends and about the other side like they weren't in the room. Later I thought I'd matured. I stopped calling them stupid and started calling them traumatised. That wasn't compassion. It was another way to skip the conversation.

Nina, first question [meeting the person, not the problem]

Erik asks: You work with people whose choices you might not make yourself. How do you meet someone as an equal when part of you disagrees with how they're living? Is that something you had to learn?

[Nina answers. Follow-up: What does it do to a client when they can feel that the coach thinks they're a project?]

Erik, the burnout [carrying the planet, Erik needed to help Erik]

The third way it goes wrong is trying to carry all of it. At twenty I'm campaigning every day, for refugees, against the war, for the climate. When I'm tired I think about everyone who'll be hurt if I stop. I don't want to feel the pain in my stomach because other people have it worse. I get temperamental, start stuttering, get panic attacks. That Christmas I've failed every class and lost an election and I can't press ignore anymore.

Admitting that Erik needed to help Erik was the hardest thing. Carrying everyone's problems wasn't compassion. It was an illusion of control.

Erik, Nina's business [advice about Instagram, the day I listened]

Now the one that's still hard. When we moved to Sweden, Nina moved her business. Higher taxes, clients in Germany, months where nothing sold. When she talked about it I felt useless, and responsible, because Sweden was my country. So I started problem solving. Advice about Instagram. Strategy for selling coaching. I know nothing about either. Who was I to tell her?

The day I stopped solving and just heard her, she became a whole person to me again. And she solved it herself. Which I should have expected, because it's her field.

Nina, second question [what it was like on the other end]

Erik asks: What was it like being on the receiving end of that? When I was giving advice, what did you actually need? And as a coach, when you can't fix someone's problem, what do you offer instead?

[Nina answers. This is the centre of the video. Give her room. Follow-up: Is there a version of listening that's still fixing in disguise?]

Erik, what helping means now [less capable, homework]

Here's my current belief. The more I do for someone who's struggling, the less capable they feel. They start depending on me, believe they can't manage, and struggle more. When my son struggles with his homework, that's not a reason to do it for him. It's a reason to sit next to him.

Erik, what this gives you [two questions before a solution]

Before you offer anyone a solution, ask two questions about what they're actually feeling. Two. Then only offer the solution if they ask for it. Try it once this week with the person you most want to fix.

Close

Who in your life are you trying to fix, and what would it mean to just hear them? Comments. Next, the last practice: love for your work, and the phone cord I cut when I was five. Book link below, pre-orders close October 18.